


we're all glitter and tears in the moonlight

by glazedsun



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ballet, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Pining, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, background Dahlin/Olofsson, background Jack/Jeff/Sam, so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 06:33:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21315748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glazedsun/pseuds/glazedsun
Summary: Casey's been preparing for this moment all his life. He's finally off to study ballet, and he couldn't be more excited. And it's all great, until he falls for his best friend (who has a boyfriend) and winds up not having as good of a start to his career as he'd hoped.
Relationships: Rasmus Dahlin/Casey Mittelstadt
Comments: 12
Kudos: 29
Collections: Hockey Big Bang (2019)





	we're all glitter and tears in the moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> this is 100% a character study more than anything as casey deals with his inner demons. it's a bit personal, but i hope you enjoy! i've listed the unhealthy coping mechanisms at the end of the works if you think you might need to look for your safety; there's a couple mentions of underage drinking but that's not one of the coping mechanisms. the title is from kylie minogue's "lost without you".
> 
> if you know anyone mentioned in the story, do yourself a favor and turn away; this is all fiction.
> 
> thank you to sarah and ki for doing a bit of brainstorming with me when i was stuck at various parts of the story. any mistakes are mine alone.
> 
> lastly, a huge THANK YOU to my artist, katrina, for working with me and creating a lovely playlist/cover art that can be found [here](https://cjmasim.tumblr.com/post/188822283686/for-the-playlist-i-made-for-were-all-glitter-and)/[playlist only](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fopen.spotify.com%2Fplaylist%2F29xoOVfgdhHJ1oNEz1Wwve%3Fsi%3DOWbITtiwSNCH_a-IdYuLmg&t=YTZjOGY2YzQ3OGNlZjJjNjdlNTY4ZDNmMzMyZjg0ZDI0MTcwN2ZhOCxiNUxnTlZhaQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AFiogmKt5CMBUBFzZCiTMnA&p=https%3A%2F%2Fcjmasim.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F188822283686%2Ffor-the-playlist-i-made-for-were-all-glitter-and&m=1).

  


Casey like... wants to throw up. Yeah, he’s pretty sure he wants to throw up.

He was fairly confident coming into this whole thing; not to sound cocky, but he’s always been one of the best dancers in his studio in Eden Prairie. He’s been training all his life for this very moment.

Every Christmas, for as long as he could remember, Casey’s parents bundled up the whole family and made the long trip down to Chicago to see _The Nutcracker_ done by the Joffrey Ballet. Seeing those dancers up on the stage inspired Casey, and by the time he was six, he was begging his mother to take dance lessons.

From that moment on, ballet became Casey’s life. He lived and breathed dance. Every practice, every injury, everything led up to this very moment.

This audition meant everything to him, but suddenly, he found himself second guessing everything. Not only was he surrounded by dancers, but he was surrounded by some of the most _fit_ people he’d ever seen. As he stretches, he tries not to think about his own body, or the way he might not be able to stretch _quite_ as far as that blonde guy over in the corner.

He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. He has the passion; he has talent; he can do this.

When he opens his eyes again, the blonde guy that caught his eye before was standing in front of him. Casey startles, flinching, which makes the guy smile sheepishly.

“Sorry,” he says with a soft laugh, offering a hand out to Casey. He’s got some kind of accent that Casey can’t quite place. “Didn’t mean to startle you. I just wanted to let you know they called us in.”

“Thanks,” Casey says, flexing his toes one more time before pulling himself to stand up.

“No problem.”

Casey watches him leave, taking maybe a second longer than necessary to appreciate the view in front of him. He shakes himself out of it, scampering to catch up with the rest of the group as they go in for a briefing on the rest of the audition process.

-

By the time they are allowed to leave, Casey is exhausted. His whole body is sore. Everything hurts, and he’s feeling kind of like shit.

It’s not his dancing he’s worried about, really. He thinks he did pretty okay with that part of it. His heart was into it; he’s pretty sure he hit all the steps.

He just... couldn’t keep _up_. He thought he was fairly physically fit, but compared to all the other guys, he absolutely wasn’t. He found himself out of breath so many times throughout the day, just forcing himself to push through it and dance his ass off even if there was no way he’d beat the others in a pull-up contest.

He’s lost in thoughts, making his way slowly down the hall, bag slung over his shoulder and not paying attention to where he’s going, when suddenly he bumps into someone.

“In your own world today?”

_Shit_. Casey laughs, half-hearted because he just doesn’t have the energy for much more, when he hears that familiar accent. “Guess so.”

The blonde from earlier smiles at him, and Casey could seriously kick his ass right now (or, well, _would_ if he had the god-damned energy to) because he doesn’t even look winded.

“Heading to the hotel?” In response to Casey’s nod, he continues, “Me, too. Still waiting on my roommate to show up.”

“Might be me. My flight was delayed, so I had to come straight here instead of being able to get to drop my stuff off first.”

“Well if that’s the case, I’m Rasmus.”

Casey shakes Rasmus’ hand, smiling at him. “So I only get the name if I’m the roommate, huh?”

“I’ll have to take it back if you’re not.”

At that, Casey laughs and shakes his head. “I’m Casey.”

They walk back to the hotel together, making small talk. It turns out that they are indeed roommates, so Rasmus leads him up to the room.

Once they’re in the room, Casey flops face down onto the nearest bed, not even paying attention to whether it had already been claimed or not. “I’m sleeping for fifteen years,” he mumbles into the pillow. He immediately starts to doze off, drifting into sleep until he’s startled by the feeling of something hitting his back. “What,” he groans, not looking up.

“Wanna get some food?” Rasmus asks.

At the mention of food, Casey perks up. Food is good. Food is like... his second love. Maybe first right now; he’s kind of over ballet and feels attacked by it at the moment. He rolls onto his back, blinking slowly when he realizes that Rasmus is only wearing a towel. He stares for a full second before he remembers he’s supposed to be answering a question.

“Dunno if I can move,” he whines.

Rasmus nods at that, making his way over to grab the room service menu and look over it. He perks up suddenly, making Casey raise an eyebrow. “Pancakes,” he smiles to himself in such a fond way that Casey can’t help but laugh.

“Room service it is, then. Get eggs and bacon too. Oh! And sausage, do they have sausage? Maybe hash browns?”

Rasmus rolls his eyes, to which Casey shrugs, a little embarrassed. He just... talks sometimes. He’s tried working on controlling it, but when he gets excited it’s just word vomit everywhere.

Despite the judgy look, Rasmus orders everything that Casey asked for, which makes Casey flush a little with happiness.

-

The week that it takes for Casey to hear back about whether or not his audition was successful is excruciating. Some of the dancers were probably a no-brainer, but he knew that he was on the edge of good enough. He’s just… not sure which side he falls on.

God, he hopes that he’s on the right side. He doesn’t have a back-up plan; he’s only got this. It’s been his dream for all of his life, and being in that situation, as physically and emotionally draining as it was, proved to him that it’s the life he needs to live.

There was also something so… inspiring, being surrounded by so many incredible dancers. It did his head in, but it also lifted him up in a way that he never dreamed possible. (That’s not to say that the other students at the studio he grew up in weren’t talented... most of them just weren’t training to be professional dancers.)

He spends the days while he’s waiting alternating between holed up in his bedroom, riddled with anxiety, and working on his transitions in the studio, riddled with anxiety. He also texts Rasmus (who is in his phone as _swedish pancake_) nearly every day. They reassure each other and distract each other, depending upon who needs what.

It’s becoming a friendship that he doesn’t want to lose, on the chance that he doesn’t make it into the academy.

-

He does make it in. In fact, they were apparently so impressed with him that he was one of their top picks.

Casey is, quite honestly, floored by that. Neither his parents nor Rasmus really understand his shock (but his brothers don’t hesitate to give him shit). He just… knows that there were things that many of his fellow auditionees out-performed him on.

“That’s what going to school is for, honey,” his mom reminds him. “Your auditions may not have been perfect, or the best, but they believed that you have enough potential that they can bring out the gift that you have.”

He’s man enough to admit he teared up over that.

-

Before Casey knows it, summer is over and he’s packing his things up to make the move out to Buffalo. It’s a bittersweet feeling, leaving home. On the one hand, he’s finally going to be pursuing his dream. On the other hand, he’s never been away from home for anything other than dance camps and competitions; and most of the time, at least one of his parents were with him. He’s _definitely_ never gone that far away from home without his parents.

His dad grills that night, fish that he’d caught fresh that morning while Casey and his mom argued over whether or not Casey needed to bring his movie collection with him (his mother won by reminding him most of the movies could be found online).

Dinner goes like this: his brothers teasing him about all the boys he’s going to meet, throwing in more comments about Spandex than any conversation ever needs, a fight breaking out over the last roll, his dad reprimanding all of them but then stealing said roll for himself, both of his parents getting nostalgic about how their boy is all grown up, and finally so much spraying each other during clean up that their dad kicks them out of the kitchen to do it himself.

Really, a typical night in the Mittelstadt household.

It hits Casey, then, just how much he is going to miss this. He ducks away from his brothers, going to sit outside under the slowly darkening sky.

He’s startled from his reflection by the sound of his phone going off. He glances down, smiling when he sees that Rasmus is Facetiming him. After he’s sure the rest of his family is still occupied enough in the house, Casey swipes to answer the call.

“Hey,” Casey says, smiling at the familiar grainy face.

“Hi,” Rasmus replies, sounding soft… or maybe that was Casey projecting, because wow did he look soft. He must have woken up from a nap not that long ago. “How was dinner?”

“The usual,” Casey shrugs, “But with a little bit more emotion thrown in.”

“How many fights tonight?”

“During dinner? One. After dinner? Also one.”

Rasmus raises an eyebrow, letting out a soft laugh. “Seems low. Must have been an emotional night.”

“Fuck off,” Casey laughs, shaking his head. “Made it to Buffalo?”

Rasmus nods, fighting back a yawn. “Yeah… got in a few hours ago.”

“You look like you’ve been sleeping.”

“Flew in… found our place… put on linens and passed out for a couple hours,” Rasmus laughs, shrugging a little and running a hand through his hair.

“Sounds fun.”

“Tons,” Rasmus agrees, stretching. “Want me to show you around the place?”

Really, Casey’s already seen the apartment in person. He and his parents had toured it earlier that summer, when they flew down so he could sign the lease. Rasmus hadn’t seen it in person before this, though, and he couldn’t wait to get the commentary.

After the tour, with Casey not even questioning which bedroom Rasmus had chosen (he _did_ technically get there first, after all), they sit and talk for awhile about all kinds of nonsense, from hockey to weather to movies to food (like Casey reminding Ras he should probably order something for dinner).

Their conversation lulls into a comfortable silence before Rasmus finally asks Casey why he’s sitting alone outside, instead of inside with his family on his last night home.

Casey sighs softly; he’d honestly hoped that Rasmus wouldn’t pick up on that. “Dunno. Just… needed some fresh air. Needed to think.”

“Missing home already?”

Casey blinks in surprise. He hadn’t even been entirely sure why he’d had such a shift in mood, but there was Rasmus, reading him like a book. It makes perfect sense, now that Rasmus phrases it like that. “How’d you know?”

“Know you well,” is the simple answer he gets, and that’s… a lot to take in. Except for on Facetime, they hadn’t seen each other since the auditions at the beginning of the summer. It’s been three months of them sending memes on Whatsapp, yelling through games of Fortnite, and these video chats… which doesn’t seem like much, but apparently it’s been enough for Rasmus to understand Casey this well.

“It’s… going to be tough being away from all that,” Casey says, soft and vulnerable, motioning in a vague direction back towards the house.

Rasmus nods. “For me too. But we’ll have each other, yeah?”

Casey feels his heart swell, and he can’t help but smile. “We’ll have each other, absolutely.”

They beam at each other for a few moments, before Casey’s mother leans out the back door to call him back inside. He says his goodbyes to Rasmus, smiling at his dark phone for a moment.

They’ve got this.

-

Nothing that Casey had ever done in his life could have prepared him for what he was dealing with. If he’d thought that auditions had been an intense process, it was _nothing_ compared to what it was like once he actually got to Buffalo.

Every day was a mix of classes, both dance and academic, and time in the studio to learn dances in a group that ranged from first years like him to dancers who were in professional companies. He found himself just staring in complete awe at the power and grace that Jeff _freaking_ Skinner radiated as he danced before them.

He was so caught up in watching everything around him, that he forgot he was supposed to be dancing, too, and didn’t realize he’d missed his cue until it was too late.

He heard some of the grumbling behind him, and swallowed hard, trying to ignore it. Right. This was not his little studio back in Minnesota. This was a big deal, and he had to take it more seriously.

And he’s _been_ trying, he really has. Casey knows that he’s been working hard, and trying hard, but nothing ever seems to pan out _quite_ right. It’s not much; a missed step here, or not enough emotion there, or bruising his ankle after a tough fall there and having to sit out for two weeks.

Casey doesn’t realize that Rasmus has picked up on the frustration until about a month in. He’s been learning to read Casey, suggesting rounds of Fortnite when Casey’s mad, or a movie marathon when he’s sad.

Somewhere between that first day of auditions and now, Rasmus has become Casey’s best friend.

-

They start to create little traditions as they spend more and more time together. What started as just movie marathons to get Casey’s mind off his stress become a weekly thing. Sundays become romantic comedy marathons, curled together on the couch.

Casey is never quite as happy any other time as he is in these moments.

He doesn’t really think much on it; it seems natural to him to want to spend so much time with his best friend and it just seems natural to enjoy being curled up with him.

His mom, of course, thinks it’s too adorable for words. He rolls her eyes at her, but when he whines to Rasmus later, Rasmus just laughs and laughs and laughs. So Casey rolls his eyes at Rasmus, too.

He’s sitting across from Rasmus at dinner one night, smiling to himself. Rasmus is in the middle of a slightly rambling story about rehearsal that morning, and Casey is so, so hopelessly endeared. It makes him just want to kiss Rasmus.

Wait. Shit.

He wants to kiss Rasmus.

Casey swallows, trying his best to keep his face neutral so Rasmus doesn’t pick up on his sudden revelation.

He wants to kiss Rasmus. He wants to date Rasmus.

He can’t, but he wants.

-

Casey decides to stay late one night after practice, because he’s been having trouble with the tour en l’air he has to do in the routine, and he can’t figure out why. He’s about to scream out of frustration when, on his fifth attempt, he still can’t get the second rotation in.

He does scream when he hears a voice from behind him says, “Center yourself more instead of jumping from your knees, you’ll get more air.”

Casey lands on his ass, blinking for a second before turning to see Jeff Skinner standing in front of him, an amused smirk on his face. “You okay?” Jeff asks, looking like he’s trying not to laugh.

“Just my dignity hurts,” Casey mutters, stretching out so he can stand up.

“Come on, I’ll help you,” Jeff says, laughing out loud this time. Casey rolls his eyes a little, but happily watches Jeff, eager to get pointers from one of the best.

-

Jason gathers the group about halfway through the spring semester. “Alright, everyone. We’ve got a guest choreographer today, who is going to be doing a few pieces for the upcoming show. There will be a group piece, a couple with smaller groups, and one duet.” Casey is listening, really, and not at all distracted by the curve of Rasmus’ neck as he leans in to whisper to Victor. He’s startled out of his trance when he hears his name, looking up in surprise that he was named for the duet.

It’s just, well. He hasn’t had quite the year he was hoping for. Expectations had been high, and he felt he wasn’t living up to them at all. He’d been mostly relegated to chorus roles or smaller group roles. He was, therefore, quite shocked when it was his name called and not Jeff’s, or even Sam’s.

He was even more surprised when the name called for his partner wasn’t one of the girls in the class.

It was Rasmus.

Casey’s breath caught in his throat. This was... okay. He could do this, right? He could totally do this. He’d danced with guys before. It was usually some competitive dance, warriors of some kind or battling over a girl. Maybe just some fun random bro thing. He could totally handle dancing with his best friend (that he totally didn’t have feelings for, nope).

Except, of course, that’s not what it was.

Once they broke off to hear more about the dance, Casey knew he was fucked. Jason was going on about the connection Casey and Rasmus shared, and how it was why he suggested the two of them for this dance.

When he hears that, at first he thinks that maybe it’s about support, or brotherly love or something.

Except then Jason asks how comfortable they would be with a kiss, and, well. Casey wants to die a little. He’s properly _f-u-c-k-e-and-d _fucked.

Casey shrugs, trying to go for the nonchalant look. They cuddle all the time, and there certainly has been a drunken peck on the cheek or two, but this... is going to be a lot. He holds his breath, heart racing as he watches for any little sign of anything from Rasmus. His face flushes a bit, but he shrugs as well, making Casey relax.

“Good,” Jason nods. “Then I’m leaving you with your choreographer.”

Casey’s mind is spinning. He’s trying so hard to focus on the words being said, but it’s difficult. When he realizes both Rasmus and the choreographer (shit, Casey already forgot his name... not a good start) are staring at him expectantly, Casey turns bright red, mumbling something about a long night.

It’s going to be a long few weeks, he thinks.

-

The dance is... it’s a lot. That’s the only way that Casey can really describe it. It’s a simple dance, really, lacking a lot of the intense pirouettes and fouettes. It’s not about sheer power, like many dances featuring two _ballerinos_ often are. It’s just... soft.

It might possibly be the softest thing that Casey has ever been a part of.

It’s soft like the down of a fluffy baby bird. It’s soft like the breathy, content sigh that Rasmus makes as he’s stroking Casey’s hair when they’re curled up watching a movie, right before he drifts off.

He can’t do this.

He’s been trying to play it off like it’s no big deal, just focus on the dancing. He runs his mouth all rehearsal, mostly because he’s full of fidgety, nervous energy that he has to get out between runs of the dance. He makes jokes about the lifts and his height, trying not to think about whether or not the fact that he isn’t built like the other dancers is the reason when he actually does get to do a lift he is always the support, never the one in the air.

By the end of their first week of rehearsal, Casey is seriously debating just... disappearing. This constant juxtaposition of sharing such an intimate thing, of caressing and kissing Rasmus with the knowledge that it is never something he could have outside of the walls of the studio is becoming overwhelming.

He’s taut with energy by the end of the day, feeling on edge, by the time Jeff comes over to him.

“You look like you’re about to snap,” he says, matter of fact but somehow still gentle. Casey just shrugs it off, not trusting himself to say anything at that moment. Jeff frowns at this. “My boyfriends and I are going to meet some friends to watch the Sabres game, do you want to come?”

“Not old enough to drink,” Casey replies automatically. The last thing he wants to do is be around happy lovers, even if it is to watch a hockey game.

“Just a sports bar. Don’t have to be 21 to get in,” Jeff clarifies, trying to read Casey.

Casey shrugs. “Maybe next time. Think I’m just going to call it an early night.”

“It’s 6p.m.,” Jeff says flatly.

“And it’s been a long week,” Casey spits out, harsher than he intended, making even him flinch a little.

“Sounds like it.” The concern that had been in Jeff’s voice only moments ago was replaced with an icy tone that had Casey wanting to curl up into a ball. Jeff was only trying to be nice, Casey reminded himself.

“I, yeah,” he stutters after a moment, voice a little shaky, which makes Jeff’s face soften again.

Jeff sighs. “Are you sure? Getting out and relaxing with the guys might be good for you.”

Casey nods. He absolutely cannot handle being around people tonight. “I’m just gonna play some Fortnite and pass out.”

“With Ras?”

At the mention of the name, Casey has to physically try not to flinch or give away anything he is feeling. “The Swedes are going out tonight. Gonna have the place to myself.”

“Trip up to Ikea?” Jeff quips, making Casey let out a soft laugh, but one more genuine than he managed all morning. He agrees, and the two of them joke around for a few quick moments before Sam comes over to collect Jeff.

“Come on, babe, Jack’s gonna be here to pick us up soon.”

Jeff nods, and Casey waves goodbye to the two of them, sighing softly to himself, wishing for something like that of his own. He glances down at his phone when he hears it go off, seeing a text from Jeff waiting for him.

_If you need to talk about anything, we’re here for you, Mitts._

Casey feels unwanted tears well up in his eyes and blinks them away as quickly as he can, quickly turning to walk the few blocks to his apartment, ready for the week to be over.

-

The weekend passes by in a blur of Fortnite, food, and Casey begging off his and Rasmus’ usual Sunday-afternoon-romantic-comedy-marathon routine, making up something about offering to help his brother study for an exam.

He feels bad about skipping, though, and they make it up by curling up together Monday after rehearsals, splitting a pizza and both drifting off not even halfway through the movie.

It hurts how much he wants more.

By Wednesday, he’s getting anxious again, and it must show. When he goes to change for lunch, Jeff is standing outside of Casey’s locker, arms crossed over his chest and a frown on his face.

“Can I help you?” Casey asks, eyebrow raised.

“You are coming to lunch with me.”

“Uh-” Casey stutters, in a panic trying to come up with some excuse or another.

“Nope, no excuses. You and me, kid.”

Casey sighs, knowing that there is no way he can get out of this. He nods, quickly grabbing what he needs and pulling on a hoodie.

“You look like a poodle,” Casey greets Jeff’s boyfriend, Jack, when they find the table he’s sitting at.

“You look like you haven’t slept in three days,” is the greeting Casey gets in return from Jack, and Casey can’t help but smile a little at the familiar banter, feeling one of the knots in his chest loosen just a little bit. He wasn’t sure if they’d be meeting Jack, but he finds that he is glad they are.

“No Sam today?” Jack asks Jeff, greeting him with a quick kiss.

“Nope, his group’s rehearsing now.” Jack nods at this, and once they’ve all placed their orders, they settle into a soft conversation, Jeff talking about rehearsal and Jack talking about the class he’d had that morning and the latest shenanigans his teammates had gotten into. For the most part, Casey stays quiet through the conversation, suddenly feeling a bit more third wheel than he had before.

“You know,” Jeff says, this time looking directly at Casey, who feels himself shrinking under the man’s scrutinizing stare. “Jack wasn’t too far off. You don’t look like you’ve been sleeping. And you look as tense as you did on Friday.”

And, shit. Casey was hoping nobody would pick up on it, but of course Jeff did. Jeff, who’s been hovering near him way more than usual lately. “Is this why you invited me to lunch? To play dad and give me a lecture?”

Jeff frowns, sneaking a glance over at Jack before responding. “Of course not. Well, maybe a little bit. Mostly I’m just worried about you, kid.”

Casey wants so badly to contain his urge to roll his eyes, but he can’t help it. “I’ll be fine by the time the show comes around, don’t worry.”

Of course Jeff rolls his eyes in response to that. “I don’t give a shit about the show right now. I’m worried about _you_.”

“I’m _fine,” _Casey sighs, picking at his pasta and wondering briefly if he should have gotten a salad instead.

“Don’t look fine to me,” Jack puts in, and even though his tone is gentle, Casey takes back every ounce of happiness he’d felt at seeing Jack. He’s a traitor after all.

Casey just ignores him, staring down at his food, hoping that his silence will make them drop the subject completely.

“Look,” Jeff sighs after a couple moments of silence. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. I know we’re not that close right now. But ever since you were assigned that duet with Ras... something’s been off.” Casey grips his fork harder at that, but keeps his mouth shut. “Is it the dance? If it’s, ah, something you’re not comfortable with....” he trails off, looking more uncomfortable than Casey has ever seen him.

Casey can’t help but roll his eyes again. “If you’re implying that I’m homophobic, don’t even go there. I’m sure that’s why you brought Jack along, to remind me that you’re some perfect couple, blah blah. Save it.”

“Triad,” Jack corrects, out of habit.

“Not helping,” Jeff mutters, elbowing Jack, who makes a face at him. “Okay, if you’re not homophobic, then is it just being that close to a guy?”

Casey wants to slam his head against the table, especially if it would mean getting out of this incredibly awkward, uncomfortable conversation. “Jesus, no,” he breathes out. “I’m gay, I’ve been closer than that to guys before.” And, well. That’s out there. He certainly hadn’t woken up that morning with Come Out to Jeff Skinner and Jack Eichel at the top of his to do list, but it was now a thing that happened anyway.

“Oh,” Jeff says quietly, then his eyes suddenly get huge, and he shares a glance across the table with Jack. “_Oh_.”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Casey asks, squirming and feeling very, very nervous all of a sudden.

“You like him, don’t you?” Jeff asks.

“I like him plenty, he’s one of my best friends.”

“You want to bone him,” Jack throws in, blunt as ever.

“I- what- no, _Ras_?” Casey sputters out, his eyes widening as he shakes his head furiously, staring at the two of them like they’d each suddenly sprouted a third eyeball.

“Oh my God, you do,” Jack says, sounding way too delighted by this information.

And that’s too much. Casey immediately stands up, knocking his chair down in his haste to move. He rights the chair, throws down some cash, and immediately turns on his heel to walk out of the restaurant. The last thing that he wants is to become fuel for gossip, to have someone mocking him over his feelings. He didn’t _want_ them, but he was stuck with them.

“Mitts, wait-” It’s Jeff, then, running after him but using the nickname Jack had come up with. Typical hockey player.

Casey doesn’t want to hear it. He flips Jeff the bird and makes his way back to the studio as quickly as possible.

And if he spends the rest of the day doing everything in his power to avoid so much as making eye contact with Jeff, and spends an extra hour by himself in the studio after rehearsals end, well: he’ll never admit to it.

-

Thursday and Friday both share the same pattern during the day. Casey throws himself into rehearsal, barely speaking with anyone, even in moments that other folks are dancing and he’s not. Jeff and Sam both try to reach out to Casey, but he does a damn good job avoiding being alone with either of them.

He knows that it’s probably suspicious that he’s suddenly stopped talking to everyone. He’s been trying so hard to act like everything was okay, though, and for some reason... this week was rough. He just didn’t have it in him to fake anything, and he didn’t want to lash out at someone, so it was... better to just keep it all inside.

On Friday, Casey finds out that Rasmus is going out to dinner with Victor.

They’ve been spending a lot of time together, and Casey... he’s as happy as he can be for them. Rasmus seems happy around Victor, and as much as he wishes it were him, all he really wants is for Rasmus to be happy.

He’s not really sure that he wants to be alone with his thoughts that night; on the other hand, he doesn’t really feel up to being around people.

“Case?” Casey blinks out of his daze, turning around to look up to see Tage. “You doing anything tonight?” After Casey shakes his head, Tage continues on, “My girlfriend and I just got a new puppy. I was wondering if you and Ras wanted to come over and meet the little guy, have some dinner.”

Okay, well. Casey wasn’t too sure about being around _people_... but a puppy, on the other hand. A good puppy cuddle might be just the thing.

“Yeah... okay. Do you want me to bring anything?”

“Nah, we’ll probably just order some pizza.” Casey raises an eyebrow at that, knowing how much work Tage has been putting in with his fitness and nutrition, and Tage just shrugs. “We’ve worked hard this week. Deserve a treat.”

“Okay... text me your address and when you want me to come over.”

A few hours later, Casey finds himself on the floor of Tage’s apartment, rolling around with Buff while Tage and his girlfriend debated where to get pizza from, and what kind. Casey doesn’t care, just appreciates them even having him over, so he stays out of the debate. Besides, he’s quite content spending all his time with the puppy. Doesn’t even need food, really.

Playing with Buff, with the noise of conversation and the television turned on low in the background, allows Casey to really distance his mind for a bit. It’s more comforting, and a bit less lonely, than when he tries to use video games to drown out the noise of his own thoughts. In this moment, it’s easy to just let his mind go blank, not really thinking of anything.

In fact, he’s so focused on playing tug of war with Buff that he almost misses Tage saying his name.

“Pepperoni from La Nova good?” Casey just nods in response, smiling a little at Tage, who quickly calls to place the order.

“So how’s things?” Tage asks when he’s done, sitting down on the floor and smiling when his puppy leaps on top of him, whole body wiggling in excitement.

Casey shrugs, trying to act like things are all good. “You know. Living and breathing dance until this show.”

“Gotta mix in some other stuff too, you know.”

“I mean, I’ve got the video games and movie nights with Ras. We do some other stuff.”

“And what about people other than Rasmus?”

“I went to lunch with Jeff a couple days ago,” Casey says, purposely leaving out the fact that Jeff had pretty much cornered him and not really given him the option to say no. And that he’d stormed out of the restaurant. And… flipped Jack off on the way out, for good measure. Maybe not his finest moment, but deserved.

Tage looks at Casey for long enough that Casey starts to feel uncomfortable. “Okay. Just haven’t really seen you talking with anyone other than Rasmus lately.”

Casey frowns at that, because it most certainly is not true. He has plenty of friends in their group.

Sure, maybe he’s been avoiding people the past week or two. But it’s only because he doesn’t want people seeing through him. That’s not... bad, right?

He’s also not sure if he’s liking what Tage is implying.

“I talk with plenty of people,” he finally says, a little bit more defensive, his guard thrown up all of a sudden.

“I think that’s enough of that,” Tage’s girlfriend says smoothly as she comes over to sit on the couch. “We should decide what movie to watch.”

Tage groans. “Don’t let Casey pick, for the love of god!”

“But I’m the guest,” Casey says, eyes wide and innocent as he blinks a few times at Tage. Payback.

“He is the guest,” she agrees.

Tage groans, falling backwards onto the floor. Buff, of course, takes that to mean he can crawl all over Tage and lick all over his face, making all three of them burst out into laughter.

All in all, it’s not a terrible night.

-

By the time Sunday comes along, Casey finds that he’s actually looking forward to his and Rasmus’ usual Sunday routine. He’s barely seen Rasmus all weekend, and needs some time with his best friend... as hard as it sometimes is to be around said best friend.

Of course, Ras decides to do a late brunch with Vic. And that’s... okay, really. Casey is totally fine with it. Who doesn’t love a good brunch (especially since Vic is old enough to drink). It’s totally fine.

Except it’s not fine when, three hours later, Casey is still waiting for Rasmus to come home so they can have their time together. He can’t help but wonder if this is retaliation for Casey bowing out last weekend... but that would be silly. Rasmus isn’t that kind of a person. He must just be... having a really nice date. (Which Casey 110% absolutely does not want to think about.)

He’s about to give up and walk down the street to grab some food when the door opens and Rasmus stumbles in, giggling and clinging on to Victor.

Casey schools a smile on his face, waving to them.

“You okay there, Ras?” He asks, standing up.

“I’m great!” Rasmus giggles, immediately letting go of Victor to grab onto Casey, hugging him tightly. “You’re warm,” he murmurs, making Casey flush a little and glance over at Victor, raising an eyebrow in question.

“Someone had a few too many mimosas at brunch,” Victor explained, a sheepish smile on his face.

Part of Casey wants to lash out at Victor, yelling at him for the whole underage drinking thing. He knows, though, that it’d be hypocritical; he’s certainly done his share, both in private and at restaurants or bars when he’s not carded (or, more likely, someone sneaks him a drink because he _always_ gets carded). “Thanks for making sure he got home safe,” is what he winds up saying, rubbing Rasmus’ back. Victor nods, still awkwardly standing in the doorway.

Casey’s torn. He could not-so-subtly hint that he wants Victor to leave, so he gets time with Rasmus to himself… or he can be nice and invite him in.

Damn that Midwestern politeness.

“Come on in,” he motions, waiting for Victor to walk in before closing the door behind him. He passes Rasmus back to Victor, going to the kitchen to get some water and ignoring the conversation that he can hear traces of.

He brings the water out, forcing a smile on his face as he hands them each a glass and settles on the couch next to them, trying to ignore how Rasmus is practically in Victor’s lap and kissing him.

After a few more seconds of having to deal with them kissing, he goes to stand up. “Alright, I’ll just…” he trails off, motioning in the direction of his bedroom.

“No, wait, Case,” Victor says, pulling away from Rasmus carefully. “I’m not gonna banish you to your bedroom. We’ll behave.” He pushes Rasmus gently off his lap, forcing him to sit fully on the couch.

Casey looks back and forth between Rasmus and Victor, debating what to do. He sighs.

No one has ever told him self-preservation is one of his strong suits.

With a curt nod, Casey reaches for the remote, going from the show he’d paused to the main Netflix menu so they could pick out something else to watch.

-

The emotion between them is surging as the dance begins. Casey can feel it with every step he takes, with each pause in the movement, with each touch. He leaves his soul on the stage with this performance and lets himself _feel_ every bit of love that he has for his best friend.

He’s been scared of this moment, not knowing if the unrequited feelings he has for Rasmus would make him scared to perform or not. Instead, the second the music starts and he meets Ras’ eyes, he just… lets go.

He’s on the verge of tears from the first seconds of the dance, the weeks of emotion building up to this very moment, but he’s not letting that throw him off. He’s _using_ it, just like he’s been taught.

Each move feels like taking a breath, each pause feels like letting it out. They are all over the stage, far apart and close together. It feels like a shiver down his back when he feels Rasmus’ fingers trace down his chest, and Casey arches into the touch before breaking away with a spin and a soaring grand jeté.

Without even seeing Rasmus, he can feel his dance partner chasing after him. Casey dodges out of the way, dropping down into a graceful roll. Rasmus’ hand grasps his heel, his fingers a whisper of a touch before the grip strengthens. Rasmus pulls Casey in, spinning him on the ground and then reaching for his hand, pulling him up.

The push-and-pull of the dance resonates through his heart; he’s overwhelmed with the need for Rasmus, the desire just to be close to him. He feels Rasmus falling into his arms, lifting him a few inches off the ground and turning slowly before setting him back down.

Casey and Rasmus are in their own world for approximately two minutes. In the dying seconds of the song, Casey leans in to kiss Rasmus, stepping back gracefully, his hands lingering on Rasmus’ face.

He lets out a breath, feeling his shoulders relax as the weight of the dance is finally lifted.

Without thinking, he leans in to let his lips brush once more against Rasmus’, the moment overwhelming him.

It takes a few short moments for the audience to erupt, almost as if they were just as entranced by Rasmus as Casey currently was. The sound of applause breaks Casey from his reverie, and he slowly turns so they can bow and head off the stage.

They hug after they get off the stage, lingering for a moment before they split apart. Casey can feel Jeff’s eyes on him, but can’t bear to turn around and look at the emotion there any more than he can bear turning around to watch the way Rasmus immediately goes to Victor.

_Everything is fine._

He has one more dance that night to prepare for, he can’t focus on anything else except that, or he won’t make it through. His jazz technique is not strong enough for him to not put all of his concentration into the final dance.

It’s incredibly difficult, but he puts his all into their final group routine, and if the smiles during the piece are a little more forced than he’d like, he hopes that he’s in the background enough that nobody catches on.

After the curtain falls, he’s caught up in the whirlwind of post-performance adrenaline. There’s chatter all around him as everyone gets their things together, all heading out in different directions.

Casey and his family are having dinner with Rasmus and his family.

That thought hits Casey with such force that he trips over himself, leaning heavily into the doorframe he’d been in the process of going through.

“You okay?” Victor asks, walking over to lay a hand on Casey’s shoulder to steady him. _God, _Casey wishes he could hate him. It was impossible.

“Yeah,” Casey laughs, the sound shaky. “Just all…” he motions to the area around them both, and Victor nods.

“The first big one’s always overwhelming,” he agrees. “I gotta get going. Going to the party tomorrow?”

Going to the damn end of year party was, quite honestly, the very _last_ thing that Casey wanted to do. But he knows it would look bad if he doesn’t go, and he doesn’t want to arouse suspicion. “Yeah, see you there,” he says, giving Victor what he hopes is a genuine smile.

“See you,” comes Rasmus’ voice from next to Casey, and Casey watches as he leans in to kiss Victor.

It’s too much.

Casey forces himself to relax when he feels Rasmus sling an arm over his shoulder. “You were amazing,” Rasmus says once Victor’s gone, steering Casey out to where their parents would be waiting. Casey can’t help but blush at that.

“You were, too,” he replies, voice soft.

-

Dinner is just as awkward as Casey expected it to be: at least for him. Their parents get along like brush and fire. He tries to sit back and tune out the conversation as he picks at his filet mignon, studiously ignoring the looks his brothers are giving him.

Then the questions start up. _Victor is just lovely, and how about you, Casey, have you met anyone? _That classic line of questioning.

Casey’s forced to pay attention to the conversation again, and play it all up. He can’t very well say _oh, absolutely I’ve met someone, he just met someone else who he’s been texting all dinner_. Instead, he just laughs it off, making up some comments about not really looking and trying to keep up with the dancing (which, to be fair, was true).

As he’s talking, he catches Rasmus’ eye, blinking a bit at the way his friend is watching him, almost like he’s scrutinizing him. What’s that all about?

There’s a few more awkward questions, but luckily the topic of conversation turns back to something that Casey can tune out. He looks over at Rasmus when he feels a nudge to his foot, raising an eyebrow. Rasmus rolls his eyes, motioning with his head towards their parents, and Casey barks out a quiet laugh.

Not quite enough, apparently. “Something funny?” His mom asks.

“Ras’ face,” he blurts out without thinking, then turns bright red when he realizes that _holy fuck you idiot, Mr. and Mrs. Dahlin are RIGHT. THERE_.

There’s a tense moment of silence before Rasmus and Casey’s brothers all burst out into laughter, the parents all rolling their eyes. Casey lets out a little laugh, running a hand sheepishly through his hair. He’s able to relax a bit more after that, feeling more like himself as he jokes around with his brothers and Rasmus.

-

At the party the next night, Casey finds himself off to the side, nursing some fruity concoction and content with observing. A few people have tried to rope him into games or dancing, but he’s politely turned all offers down.

“You good?” Jeff asks, standing next to Casey and holding up a bowl of popcorn.

Casey takes a handful, tossing the popcorn into his mouth and shrugging. “’m good. Come to try to drag me out and force me to socialize like everyone else has been?”

“Nah, just checking in.”

“Thanks, dad,” Casey says, rolling his eyes.

Jeff elbows him, smiling. He looks loose, relaxed. Happy, in that way that crinkled up his eyes and lit up the whole damn state. It might be the booze, but Casey has a feeling that it also might have something to do with Sam and Jack, who are off whispering together in a corner.

Once he spots Jack and Sam, it’s impossible for Casey not to look for Victor and Rasmus. They’re teaming up together, playing ping pong with one of the female dancers, Ann, and her boyfriend. As much as Casey doesn’t want to admit it, they look good together. Rasmus looks happy; they both look happy, as Victor has clearly given up trying to teach Rasmus the rules of the game and they’re just making up their own as they go.

It manages, somehow, to simultaneously warm his heart and make his stomach sink in despair. _All you want is for Ras to be happy, no matter what_, he has to keep reminding himself.

He’s brought out of his daze when he feels Jeff nudging him. When Casey looks up at Jeff, he’s saddened to see the looseness that had been there only moments before gone and replaced with a worried frown. “You sure you good, kiddo?”

“No,” Casey admits, knowing that there’s no point in lying when Jeff already dragged how Casey feels about Rasmus out of him. “But there’s nothing I can do about it. Now go on, your boyfriends are looking for you.” He nodded over to where Jack and Sam were looking around the room.

Jeff frowns a little more before nodding. “Anytime you need to talk, I’m here for you. Just want to remind you of that.”

Casey rolls his eyes, even though it loosens that feeling in the pit of his stomach to know that someone he barely knows is looking out for him. “I know, dad. Now go,” he pushes Jeff in the direction of Sam and Jack, who had spotted Jeff and were walking over in his direction. As Jeff started to walk away, though, Casey reached out and snatched the bowl of popcorn from him, smiling to himself when Jeff blinked before letting out a startled laugh. Good. That’s the Jeff he likes seeing better.

Once Jeff leaves, Casey shifts over to sit on one of the nearby chairs, drink on the table next to him and bowl in his lap. It’s slightly less depressing than being a literal wallflower at the biggest party of the year- at least, he figures, that’s how it’ll look to everyone else there. It doesn’t change how depressed he actually is.

A few of the guys come over to compliment him and have a chat, but Casey is thankful none of them really stick around longer than a few minutes before moving on to the next person. He’s struck by the realization that he’s usually that person. In a group of people, he’s usually the life of the party, jumping around socializing with as many people as possible, making sure everyone is smiling and laughing. But tonight, the thought of doing that fills him with a kind of dread that makes his chest ache.

Casey stands up quickly at that thought, and the pain in his chest that goes along with it. It’s hard to breathe, suddenly, and he needs air. He downs the little bit of his drink that was left, abandoning the cup as well as the bowl of popcorn, before walking quickly to the exit.

Once he gets outside, he sits heavily down on the front steps, closing his eyes as he tries to get his breathing under control. It’s quieter out here, the only sound that of cars on the nearby thruway. The quiet helps calm him some, but everything is still so overwhelming.

He needs to leave. He just… yeah, he needs to get out of this place.

Casey shoots off a text to Jeff, asking him to tell Rasmus he’s leaving, and orders a Lyft before he gets a response from Jeff.

“You okay?” Tage’s gentle voice comes from next to Casey, and holy fuck, Casey is getting _really_ tired of being asked that question.

“Yeah,” he murmurs, not looking up at Tage. “Just tired and not feeling 100%. Gonna take off.”

“Do you need a ride?”

“Nah, man,” he says, leaning in so he could bump his shoulder against Tage. “You go have a good time. Ride should be here in about five minutes.”

Tage nods, but wraps an arm around Casey’s shoulders. “I’ll at least stay with you here until it gets here, that cool?”

Casey swallows back his emotions, not sure why everything seems to be getting to him so much, first with Jeff’s concern and now Tage’s. It’s certainly not the alcohol; he’d only really nursed the one drink the short time he was at the party. He leans into Tage, nodding. “Thanks, man.” He smiles when Tage grabs his phone, showing Casey more new pictures of Buff.

Tage stands up with Casey once the Lyft driver pulls up to the curb. “You sure you’re okay to get home?”

“Positive,” Casey laughs, ignoring the sad tinge to it. “Only had one drink. You know we’re not far from here.”

“I know. Text me when you get home anyway, okay?”

“Yes, mom,” Casey sighs, kissing Tage on the cheek, who lets out a delighted laugh and shoves Casey to the waiting car. Casey slides into the backseat, waving to Tage before they pull away from the curb.

-

“Why’d you leave so early last night?” Rasmus asks the next morning as he places a mug of coffee on the nightstand and then flops into Casey’s bed. Casey rubs at his eyes and throws his phone down, automatically curling into his best friend’s side.

“Just wasn’t feeling it,” Casey shrugs, holding grabby hands out towards the coffee. Rasmus rolls his eyes and grabs the mug, handing it over to Casey, who hums in appreciation. After a few sips of coffee and a few moments of silence, a realization hits Casey. “Wait, I thought you were gonna spend the night with Vic?”

Rasmus blushes a little, then shrugs, wrapping an arm around Casey’s shoulder. “Got worried when Jeff told me you took off. It’s not like you.”

Casey frowns, thinking back to the night before as he drinks his coffee. He didn’t _remember_ hearing Rasmus coming back in the apartment. Though, to be fair, he did fall asleep watching _P.S. I Love You_, so. “Did you come home right away?”

Rasmus shakes his head, then leans it against Casey’s shoulder. “Figured you’d be pissed at me if I did that. We stayed for another couple hours, then Ollie brought me home.”

Casey nods, smiling a little. “I’m fine though. Really.”

“Are you?” Rasmus asks, his voice painfully gentle as he strokes Casey’s hair. Casey just hums, sipping his coffee to hide the war that was waging in his mind between how _nice and comforting_ this felt and how much it _fucking hurt_ that he couldn’t have more. “I don’t believe you.”

“Why not?” Casey asks, giving Rasmus an offended look.

Rasmus shrugs. “Don’t know. You’ve just been, ah,” he frowns for a moment, like he’s searching for the correct translation for a word, “mopey lately.”

“I am not mopey,” Casey huffs, glaring at Rasmus, “I am _fun_.”

“You are fun,” Rasmus laughs. “But you’ve also been quieter than usual lately. Further away.”

_Distant_, Casey thinks, that’s the word that Rasmus is getting at. He doesn’t correct his friend, though, because he doesn’t want to have to admit that Rasmus is right. Honestly, he’s just pissed that more people picked up on it than he realized; he thought he’d done a decent job of holding everything in. Guess not. “Just a lot on my mind lately.”

“Is it all the critiques?” Rasmus asks, and bless him. Without even realizing it, Rasmus has given Casey the perfect excuse for the way he’s been acting, even if that excuse is only half of why he’s been so upset. Casey looks down at the coffee, frowning a little. “Screw them,” Rasmus frowns, looking fiercely protective all of a sudden.

“It’s their job to make us better,” Casey says softly, not looking up as he thinks back on all the comments he’d been receiving throughout the year. _We may have made a mistake with this one_ had been his favorite, whispered between two instructors who hadn’t realized Casey was still within ear shot.

He hadn’t told anyone about that one.

Rasmus rolls his eyes. “It’s your first year. They can’t expect you to be perfect right off the bat, especially in styles you’re not familiar with.”

“I should have taken time away from ballet to practice them more,” Casey reasons, fighting back the urge to retort _‘well you have been perfect’_, because it’s not fair. Even Rasmus hasn’t been perfect. He’s just… well, been exceptional, so there’s no way he could know what goes through Casey’s head. “I don’t have the body for this.”

“That’s all such bullshit,” Rasmus frowns, staring at Casey and studying him until Casey squirms under the gaze. “You were incredible at the show. You just have to come back next year and prove them wrong.” He pauses, still staring at Casey before adding, “And prove yourself wrong.”

Casey swallows thickly at that, gripping the mug harder to keep his hands from shaking. _Shit_, he’d forgotten how well Rasmus could read him. He just nods, too choked up to find the proper words to use. Rasmus seems satisfied enough with that, pressing a kiss to the top of Casey’s head before standing up.

“I’m going to go make pancakes,” he announces, and he’s out of the room as quickly as he came in. Casey sets his mug down, sliding down to lay on the bed and pull the covers over himself. He’s so fucked.

“If you’re not out here in five minutes, I’m going to eat your helping of them too!” Rasmus calls from the kitchen, making Casey groan.

-

Once he’s back home for the summer, Casey feels like he’s back in a different world. It’s almost weird being back with his family after so long away from them; it’s like nothing at all has changed. There’s the same bickering with his siblings, same nights sitting out in the yard, the same cooking with his parents.

Casey’s the one who has changed.

He’d been hoping that being away from Rasmus would somehow make it easier, maybe even make him get over his feelings for his best friend. Instead, he just misses him.

He can’t stop thinking about Rasmus.

It’s frustrating.

He needs to get his mind off of everything, and hanging out with his friends wasn’t enough. It works at first, when he’s all swept up into reunions and parties. Eventually, though, things begin to settle down. Many of his friends either have jobs or are at lake houses for the summer, so Casey isn’t quite as distracted as he’d hoped he would be.

Sure, he could join some of them for a long weekend or two away, but those lingering doubts are still incredibly loud in the back of his mind. The end of the year comments he’d gotten weren’t… bad. He was informed he’d had a good end of the year, and the duet with Rasmus had even made a few people cry. It wasn’t good _enough_, though, not with the expectations they’d had for him.

Casey needs to be better.

That’s how he finds himself running on the treadmill, drenched in sweat, breathing heavily but finally feeling numb to everything.

When he’s not working out, he’s in the studio, forcing himself to dance.

It’s exhilarating, in a way, this whole method of working out or dancing until he collapses into a blissful exhaustion. Whether he’s in the gym or in the studio, it’s just him and the music. The only thought that is required is as he’s trying to teach himself new moves.

When he can’t physically continue on, he’s so worn out that his mind is blank, allowing himself enough cognition to get home to dinner, but not enough to dwell on a certain blonde.

That’s not to say they don’t talk. Casey and Rasmus still Facetime when the time differences and schedules can allow. Casey just… gets busier as the summer goes on, and if he’s more tired during their talks than usual, meaning they last shorter than usual, he doesn’t say anything.

(Nor does he notice the worried looks that Rasmus is sending him. He’s just too tired to see it.)

-

In his first few weeks back, Casey finds himself so caught up in seeing everyone again and getting reacquainted with living in Buffalo that he doesn’t really have a lot of time alone with his thoughts. It doesn’t take long for those familiar feelings and nagging thoughts to creep back in, though.

So Casey creates a new routine. Sunday evenings are still movie marathons with Rasmus, but Saturdays are Casey’s. He either spends the day in the gym or the studio practicing. Whenever Rasmus makes a comment about Casey being gone all day, Casey usually comes up with some kind of excuse: extra homework, a phone call home. If he mixes it up enough, Rasmus doesn’t seem to catch on.

Everything’s working according to plan.

-

Nobody but Casey’s professors need to know that his grades are starting to slip because he’s been spending so much time in the studio and the gym. He’s a dancer, not a scholar. He just needs to pass.

-

It shocks Casey how quickly he seems to fall in love with tap dancing once he’s forced to learn it. He has vague memories of taking it is a kid, one of those combined ballet-tap-modern type of classes they all got lumped into before he was old enough to focus strictly on ballet.

He remembers liking the noise it made, but doesn’t remember much of his feelings toward the style beyond that, especially once ballet took over everything.

Here, though, in this moment, Casey’s feeling the same way he did the first proper ballet lesson he ever took. He’s feeling light, from his feet up to his heart.

Tap is a different kind of passionate, a different kind of emotion, a different kind of _story-telling_, compared to ballet. Instead of light and shade, it’s about quiet and loud. They’re both about a subtle power, power that Casey rarely seems to actually have anymore.

Casey gets the same feeling when executing a perfect riff walk as he does when bursting into a string of fouettes. He feels such absolute joy in the movement, even when it’s not connected to any other steps. It’s a freedom away from everything else going on in his life, and especially away from Rasmus.

“You’re a natural,” his instructor tells him with a gentle smile, and Casey feels a relief wash over him, the simple praise such a contrast to all the doubt constantly flooding through his veins.

It helps him remember why he’s here, at this school, in the first place: his love for dance. He may not be the most talented or fit dancer in the group, and he’ll always have his doubters, but he _loves_ to dance, and nobody can take that away from him.

-

“Casey.” The voice is firm, demanding immediate attention. Casey startles out of his daze, looking up to see Jack standing over him, a frown on his face. Casey blinks slowly, staring at Jack in confusion. When had he gotten there? Jack sighs, softening, and sits down on the chair across from Casey.

Right, that’s right. Jack had come to pick up Jeff and Sam and was waiting for them to finish up, while Casey was waiting for Rasmus to finish up so they could head home.

“You don’t look so hot,” Jack says, his voice surprisingly soft, none of the characteristic edge of teasing that Casey had grown accustomed to.

“’m okay,” Casey murmurs, rubbing at his eyes and holding back a yawn, not wanting to give Jack any reason to continue questioning him.

Jack, of course, doesn’t let it slide. “What’s going on, bud? You looked like you forgot I was even sitting here.”

Casey shrugs. Maybe telling a half-truth would be better than trying to lie. “Been a long few days. Just trying to keep up with everything.”

Jack remains quiet, studying Casey. Casey tenses under his gaze, fighting the urge to start scratching at his arm. “You’re being careful not to overwork yourself, right?”

Again, Casey shrugs. It depends entirely on what the definition of overworking was. The way Casey sees it, he’s working on improving himself, and it helps him pass out when he’s this tired. There’s no opportunity to toss and turn. “I’m getting back in the groove of everything, that’s all.”

Jack frowns, and Casey can see that he wants to comment and give some captainly advice, despite Casey not being one of his teammates. Thankfully, though, Casey is saved when people start filing out of the studio, Jeff and Sam immediately coming over.

“Hey,” Sam greets them, leaning in to kiss Jack, a soft smile on his face. Jeff is smiling when he first comes over, but he seems to pick up on the tension that lies between Casey and Jack. He looks over at Casey, frowning a little.

Casey fights the urge to roll his eyes, giving a quick goodbye and darting off before anyone can say anything else to him.

-

Taking tap classes this semester has benefits beyond a reprieve from ballet and group practices with Rasmus and a newfound passion for the style. Tap dancing is Sam’s specialty, and where Jeff took Casey under his wing on a personal level, it doesn’t take long for Sam to see the raw potential in Casey and start to work with him.

It’s a little awkward for Casey at first, because Sam is also close with Victor. Sam’s personality doesn’t take long to win him over, though, and they quickly settle into an easy banter. Sam keeps their practices lighter at first, getting Casey more relaxed and comfortable as they progressively work through more difficult steps and routines.

It’s almost like he’s purposely trying to keep Casey’s mind off everything.

And, it really works. For the moments of time where he’s in the studio with Sam, he truly does feel more carefree. He’s able to fully laugh, and play off Sam’s teasing. It doesn’t hurt that the names of the actual tap moves make Casey giggle; even as he’s serious about learning the style, he can’t help but be amused with each _spank_, _clunk, _or his personal favorite, the _paradiddle_.

When he picks up on Casey’s amusement, Sam starts to make each lesson into a bit of a game, tricking him into memorizing complicated sequences by calling out the individual steps.

The lessons become one of the highlights of his week.

-

When Tage asks Casey how he did on a research paper they had to do for their intro to kinesiology class, Casey’s too drained to be concerned that he’d never even turned it in, despite it being worth 20% of their grade. If he sat down and thought about it, he’d realize this wasn’t the only assignment he’d slipped up on lately. Not only does he not have time to think, but the whole benefit of focusing heavily on the gym and dance is to get his mind _off_ of his failures and off of Rasmus. So he just kind of shrugs it off.

He also misses the troubled look that passes over Tage’s face before he can school it into something more neutral.

-

About halfway through the semester, they begin to be assigned to some of the dances for the end of semester show. Despite his hard work, when the ballet roles are assigned, Casey finds himself in the background of every one of them.

(Rasmus, not surprisingly, gets another duet, this time with one of the new transfer students. Casey is 100% not jealous of this at all.)

He tries to be pleased that he at least gets to be a part of a smaller tap routine, in a group that includes Sam, but there are really only two things he can focus on: knowing that someone else is going to be sharing the stage with Rasmus, and knowing that he’s once again not good enough at what he loves to do most.

It pushes him to work even harder. He trains, and he trains, and he trains. He leaves the tap training for lessons with Sam, but nights are for ballet. He practices jumps, he practices spins. He does entrechats until he can barely feel his feet hit the floor anymore; he does barre work until he is nearly asleep on his feet.

It becomes a relief for Casey to take off his shoes and see the blood caked on his feet: a sign of a successful night. If they are not bleeding by the end of his practice, it just means he did not practice hard enough.

-

Rasmus starts taking care of him, but Casey barely even notices it. He doesn’t pick up that every morning, Rasmus is there to press a mug of tea and protein bars into his hand. He does roll his eyes when Rasmus won’t let him leave the house until he’s at least eaten one of them, though.

His friends have given up trying to invite him out to get lunch or dinner, because Casey always makes one excuse or another. Instead, Sam starts bringing snacks to their lessons and taking a short break halfway through so that Casey has no choice but to eat.

Jeff leaves bottles of Gatorade in Casey’s bag. Tage keeps sending Casey videos of Buff and offering him chocolate every time he sees him. Jack sends him videos of his teammates acting like dumbasses.

Casey doesn’t really even notice any of it.

-

One afternoon, Casey finds himself with a bit of extra time on his hands. He doesn’t have enough time to head down to the gym, and most of the studios were already full of people rehearsing. He sneaks into one of those studios, sitting in the corner to watch Rasmus rehearsing for his duet with Collin.

There is nothing quite like watching Rasmus dance. When he’s not dancing, Rasmus is a little bit like a baby deer, all legs and awkward smiles. The second the music begins, though, it’s magical.

He’s so focused on watching Rasmus that he almost forgets that Collin is there, until he joins in on the next run through. The relaxation and awe he’d been feeling turns into something hard in the pit of his stomach.

Rasmus and Collin look good together. They work together.

Sure, the dance isn’t nearly as intimate as the one he and Rasmus shared last term, and it’s not even romantic, but Casey suddenly can’t watch it anymore.

He chews at his lip, choosing this moment to sneak back out of the room, not catching the pair of glances who look his direction anyway.

-

It all comes to a head one night as a group rehearsal is winding down. It had been a particularly tough late night rehearsal for everyone, after a long week of extra practices on top of regular classes and lessons. Casey’s exhausted, and for some reason he struggles to catch his breath while he’s sitting off to the side. His hands shake as he tries to pick up his water bottle, only to put it down in frustration when he keeps almost dropping it. Fuck it.

He goes to stand up, just wanting to get the hell out of the studio, except that when he tries, he’s incredibly disoriented. The world wavers in front of him, and he blinks rapidly, confused by what is happening.

“Casey?” Rasmus asks, stepping over to him. Casey doesn’t respond, can’t respond. His body sways. “Casey!” Rasmus repeats, this time a frightened cry as he reaches out to steady his best friend.

“Ras,” Casey breathes out, voice shaky in a mix of terror and confusion, before the world around him goes black.

When he opens his eyes again, he looks around in a panic, gasping for breath. His initial panic settles some once he realizes that he’s in his bed, and he sinks back further into the sheets, face turning red with embarrassment.

“Oh God, Casey. Thank God,” Rasmus says, squeezing Casey’s hand. Casey turns to look at him, and feels a sinking dread when he really looks at him. Rasmus’ face is pale, and his eyes are darting around the room in a look that Casey recognizes as desperation. There’s a hint of red there, too, as if he’d been crying.

“Wha’ h’ppen’d,” Casey slurs. His mouth feels like sandpaper, which makes it difficult to speak.

“You passed out,” Rasmus explains, using his free hand to reach for the bottle of water that was next to him, holding it up to Casey. Casey takes it, grateful that it’s the bottle he just has to flip open. No need to let go of Rasmus’ hand.

“Shit,” he sighs after he drinks some of the water. “That’s embarrassing.”

Rasmus elects to ignore Casey’s comment. “Jeff wanted to bring you to the hospital but I swore to him I’d take care of you and call him if you didn’t wake up by midnight.”

“What time is it?” Casey frowns; it must be before midnight, or he’d be in the hospital, but they’d wrapped up rehearsal close to 10.

“11:30.”

“Right on schedule,” Casey tries to joke, but Rasmus shoots him an unimpressed look. He sighs. “Look, I’m fine. Thank you for not bringing me to the hospital.” Rasmus glares at him for a few more minutes before sighing.

“Yeah. I’m going to go make you some ramen. Sodium’s supposed to be good or something? Then we are sleeping.” Casey knows better than to argue when he sees the look on Rasmus’ face, so he just nods. “Good.”

Sure enough, Rasmus comes back into the room not long after with two steaming bowls of noodles in his hands.

“Did you not eat, either?” Casey asks, shifting so he can sit up and lean against the wall, his head only slightly swimming with the motion.

Rasmus shakes his head. “Was too worried about you.”

Casey chews on his lip at that, accepting the offered bowl with a soft thank you. They eat in silence, the only sound the occasional slurping of noodles that grates on Casey’s nerves, but he doesn’t have the heart to make a comment about it. Not when Rasmus is looking at him with so much concern.

When they’re finished, Rasmus takes the bowls, placing them on the nightstand. After he makes sure Casey finishes his water and is laying down, he pulls back the blanket.

“What are you doing?” Casey asks, raising an eyebrow at Rasmus.

“Sleeping. Move over.” Casey blinks at Rasmus a few times before shifting further to the side to give Rasmus enough room to climb into bed. He wills his heart rate to slow down as Rasmus makes himself comfortable, pulling Casey into his arms.

Casey hesitates for a moment, then lets out a soft sigh and curls into Rasmus, eyes closing as soon as Rasmus reaches over to turn off the lamp.

-

Casey spends the weekend in the apartment. He wants to go train, but he still feels a little weaker than normal, and Rasmus is watching him like a hawk. There’s no way he could sneak off. Instead, he spends more time with Rasmus than he has in a long time. The only time he isn’t with Rasmus on the weekend is Saturday night; Victor is over, and Casey has dinner with them, but heads off to his bedroom, using homework as an excuse, to give them some time alone.

It’s weird. Lazy weekends used to be one of his favorite things, but he just feels itchy. He feels guilty for not being in the studio.

Well, if he can’t dance, he might as well do something somewhat productive. Instead of working on homework, Casey grabs his laptop, pulling up dance videos on Youtube, studying technique and form.

The only reason he works on homework on Sunday is because Rasmus won’t leave his side. He’s so far behind that he has no idea what to do, but with a little help from Rasmus, he’s able to at least get assignments for two classes in on time.

Come Monday, Rasmus tries to convince Casey to take another day off. He’s hovering, and it’s almost weird to Casey. It feels like it’s been ages since he’s spent this much time with Rasmus. He winds up striking a deal with Rasmus: he’s going to his classes and the early rehearsals, but instead of taking the time after to practice in the studio, he’ll be home for dinner and to watch the Sabres game. _They’re playing in Minnesota_, had been Rasmus’ argument. _You can’t miss that._ Unfair play.

It works, though, and by the time the game starts, they’re halfway through a pizza and an order of wings.

After a few days, though, it’s easy for Casey to slip back into old habits. Rasmus seems satisfied that Casey’s doing better, and gets caught up in rehearsals, classes, and date nights.

Left alone to his own devices, Casey doesn’t even have to think about it before he’s back to long hours, working himself into exhaustion.

On Friday night, Casey knows that Rasmus is out with Victor. He does stay late in the gym, but the previous weekend and the past week has seemed to catch up with him, so he finds himself worn out sooner than he would have liked. He opts to call it quits and steps off the treadmill with shaky legs, doing his best to ignore it as he makes his way back home.

Needless to say, he’s surprised when he opens the door to the apartment, only to see Jack, Sam, and Jeff lounging on his couch, Tage perched on the arm of it, all watching what looks to be a low quality feed of a Rochester Americans game on one of their laptops.

“Um,” he says, setting his bag down, not even knowing where to begin with the hundreds of questions that he has.

They all look over at him, everyone groaning except for Sam. “Pay up, boys! It’s not yet second intermission!” he crows, holding out his hand, and Casey watches in utter confusion as the other three press crumpled bills into his hand.

“Um,” Casey repeats, still standing in the doorway.

“Right,” Jack says, motioning for Casey to come in. “You can come in, you know. This is your place.”

“I wasn’t sure, seeing as none of you actually live here,” Casey mutters, making a face when Jack laughs. He comes further into the apartment anyway, standing nearby and crossing his arms over his chest, looking between his four friends. “What’s this all about then?” They all look at each other, suddenly quiet. It’s like none of them want to actually speak up to not only why they are there, but how they got there. Casey sighs. Apparently he’s going to have to be more specific. “How did you all get into my apartment?”

“Did you forget you gave me a key?” Tage asks, voice full of a softness and concern that doesn’t sit well with Casey. When Casey frowns, not knowing what’s going on, Tage sighs. “There was no hot water at my place for a few days a month or so ago. You gave me a key, told us to stop by and shower whenever we wanted. You never asked for the key back.”

Right. Casey remembers that now. Jason had given him one of the _I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed_ stern talking-tos because Casey had been a hair off every single step in rehearsal all week, so Casey had been in such a daze from taking on extra practice that he’d forgotten he’d made the offer. “Okay. That solves that mystery. But it still doesn’t answer why you’re here. You can watch the Amerks at your own houses.”

There’s another pause before Jeff finally speaks up. “We’re worried about you, Casey.”

Casey rolls his eyes at that, immediately turning to walk into the kitchen so he can fill his water bottle. “There’s nothing to worry about,” he says as he walks away from them.

“That’s bullshit, Mitts, and you know it,” Sam bites back.

Casey takes a deep breath when he gets to the kitchen, one hand resting on the counter and the other pinching at the bridge of his nose. He can feel a headache coming on. He stands like this for a minute, composing himself before filling his water bottle and grabbing an apple from the bowl on the counter. Alright, he should just… get this over with, then, so they can get out of his apartment and he can go to bed.

“Who’s winning?” he asks as he sits down on the low chair next to the couch.

“Amerks,” Tage responds without thinking, then frowns. “Nice try. No changing the subject.” Casey shrugs. Didn’t hurt to try.

“Consider this an intervention,” Jack says after a lull in the conversation, only the sound of Don Stevens in the background keeping it from being unbearably quiet.

“But I’m not on drugs or drinking that much,” Casey frowns in confusion.

“When was the last time you got more than four hours of sleep in one night?” Jeff asks.

Casey shrugs. “The weekend, probably. So?”

“When was the last time you sat down for a meal that wasn’t just snacks between or during rehearsals?” Jeff pushes on, ignoring Casey’s question.

“Over the weekend,” Casey repeats, frowning and still not following.

“Casey,” Jeff sighs. “You literally passed out last week in rehearsal.”

“Not to mention you walked into the door the other day leaving practice because you were so out of it,” Tage adds in. What a friend. Casey rolls his eyes, even though he’s not really sure he remembers what Tage is talking about. He wonders, briefly, if that’s where the bruise on his hip is from. It did look a bit like a door handle.

“Aren’t you going to take your shoes off?” Jack asks, nodding to the fact that Casey hadn’t yet taken off his sneakers, despite everyone else leaving their shoes by the front door, and the large collection of shoes belonging to Casey and Rasmus that were also sitting by the front door.

Casey straightens up at that, suddenly feeling on edge again. He’d gotten in the habit of not changing his shoes around other people; usually, he didn’t even bother taking them off until he was already in the bathroom. “It’s my apartment. I don’t have to take my shoes off.”

“Casey,” Jeff said, voice gentle in an attempt to be encouraging. “Take them off, please.”

Casey deflates, sinking back into the couch for a moment before reaching down to start to pull off his shoes. “This is stupid,” he mutters. While he hadn’t gone as hard as he normally would that night, he knew that he’d probably rubbed open at least one of the sores on his feet that refused to fully heal. Sure enough, there was a new dark red spot on the side of his sock. As much as he didn’t want to take off the socks, he knew that it was pointless not to. They’d get him to, one way or another.

“Jesus,” Jack breathes when he saw all the sores, blisters, and scabs that littered Casey’s feet.

“Dancer’s feet look like this,” Casey retorts, immediately feeling defensive and tightly coiled.

“Not that bad,” Jeff says, gentle. Soft. The ‘speaking to a caged animal’ voice. It makes Casey want to scream.

“Fuck you all,” Casey hisses, feeling tears of shame sting at his eyes. He stands up, spinning to storm to his bedroom, needing to get away from his so-called friends. Who did they think they were, coming to _his_ apartment to sit there and judge him? He slams the door behind him, wishing he had a lock on his bedroom door, but hoping they would just get the hint and leave.

Not surprisingly, though, there’s a knock at his door a few minutes later. Casey ignores it from where he’s faceplanted on his bed, face buried in his pillow as he wills his tears back. He ignores a second knock, until finally one of them has the bright idea to just turn the knob of the door and barge in. Why not? They’d already barged right into the apartment, why not his own private space, too?

“I’m sorry,” Jeff says with a sigh as he sits at the edge of Casey’s bed. Casey stays quiet, not lifting his face from the pillow, wondering fleetingly how long it would take for him to stop breathing. “We’re just worried about you.”

Casey bites back the bitter reply, only just barely. It takes a lot out of him not to.

“It was just… really fucking scary watching you go down like that,” Tage admits, voice shaky with emotion. The rawness of his words makes Casey sigh and relent. He doesn’t turn over, but he at least gives them the respect to turn his face so he can see where they’re all huddled next to his bed.

“I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through in your personal life,” Jack says, his voice more affectionate than Casey has ever heard it delivered to him. “But the rest? I get that, I do.” When Casey frowns, Jack pushes on. “You feel like you’re not good enough. Maybe people are telling you that, maybe you can’t keep up with everyone else. I don’t know. I’ve been in rough spots before, and tried to overcompensate with working myself hard. It’s how I know what to look for in other people.”

Casey blinks, feeling his throat tighten with each word Jack speaks.

Sam gently touches Casey’s ankle. “When it feels like you’re not good enough. You work until you can’t feel any more, can’t hear their words anymore.” Casey swallows, meeting Sam’s eyes, seeing a deep, deep sadness there that he’s never seen before. There’s some kind of story there, he can tell. Sam rubs soothing circles with his thumb into Casey’s skin, and Casey can feel himself relaxing just a bit. “In your case, it looks like you’ve been working until you bleed.”

“It’s the only way it feels like I’m doing enough, like maybe I can get better if I just keep pushing myself,” Casey admits, out loud, for the first time, to not only the people surrounding him, but to himself. The tears start falling after his admission, and he feels himself pulled gently to sit up. Suddenly, there are multiple arms around him. Casey can’t help it; his body begins to shake with heaving sobs as the realization of what he’s been doing since the summer really starts to hit him. There’s a hand stroking his hair, and another one rubbing circles into his back. A different one scratches lightly at the back of his neck. Casey can feel himself melting into the embrace, feeling a weight start to lift off his shoulders just a little bit.

“You don’t have to keep pushing us away,” Jeff says, quietly, after the worst of Casey’s sobs seem to calm down.

“We’ve got your back, Mitts. You don’t have to do this alone,” Jack adds, and Casey feels himself nodding.

Casey shifts a little so that he can lean into Tage, resting his head on his chest, eyes falling closed as Tage continues to work his fingers through Casey’s hair. With his eyes closed, he misses the little looks that the other four share, and the little nod that Jack gives Sam.

“We think you maybe… should live with someone else,” Sam says, his voice hesitant and nervous to even suggest such a thing. He looks up quickly when he hears a soft sound from the doorway and curses under his breath when he sees Rasmus there, an incredibly hurt look on his face before he turns and practically runs away from the room. Sam nudges Jeff, who nods and extracts himself from the pile to go chase Rasmus down and try to talk to him.

In his surprise at the words, Casey doesn’t really notice Rasmus at all, or think anything of Jeff’s sudden departure. “Why would I do that?”

“The relationship you guys have… I don’t want to say it’s toxic. Because it’s not. But right now, it’s not healthy for you,” Sam explains.

Casey rolls his eyes, feeling a little bit petulant. He’s pretty confident he has every right to be. “He’s my best friend. I don’t want to live with anyone else.”

Sam sighs, clearly trying to think of another way to explain it. “I know he’s your best friend. I also know that you have feelings for him and being around him is tearing you apart.”

“That’s not why I passed out,” Casey frowns, getting a little defensive.

Jack nods. “I know. That is,” he motions to Casey’s feet, still uncovered and looking a bit crusty. Casey, self-conscious, tucks them under himself. “I know a lot of it is about dance, Casey. But… it’s hard not to miss the sadness in your eyes when you look at him and think nobody’s watching. You have no sense of self-preservation, and being around him so much has to be torture.”

“You’re both also young,” Jeff says softly as he walks back into the room, giving a little nod to Sam’s questioning look. “You’re hiding a lot from him, Casey. Without him even knowing it, he’s completely enabling as you spiral out of control.” He holds his hand up to stop Casey from interrupting, sitting on the end of the bed. “You need to take care of yourself. And that means time apart from him. But I don’t know if you should be on your own, either.”

“I’m not a child,” Casey practically growls at Jeff, glaring at him, but with no real heat behind it.

He relaxes when he feels Tage rubbing circles into the back of his neck. “You need someone checking in on you,” Tage murmurs. Casey rolls his eyes again.

“Just think about it, Case,” Sam says, squeezing Casey’s hand.

And, god. Casey wants so badly to protest, to get even more defensive, something, _anything_. But he’s exhausted, he’s so _tired_. He looks around at the concern on his friends’ faces, and deflates again. He can’t do this alone anymore. They’re right. He has no idea how to get past this, but he’s realizing that maybe he doesn’t have to do it alone.

“I’ll think about it,” he sighs, closing his eyes once again.

-

When he wakes up a few hours later, he’s tucked under blankets. He flips on his bedside lamp and sees a stack of comfy clothes there and the pair of fuzzy socks his mom bought him one Christmas that he totally forgot about. He smiles, sad, at that and gets up to get changed.

Tears fill his eyes when he goes to put on the socks and realizes that one of them cleaned up his feet and carefully wrapped gauze bandages around them. He swallows the tears back and plods out to where he can hear the soft sounds of the TV.

“Hey,” Rasmus says, soft, from where he’s sitting on the couch and eating ice cream straight from the container; Casey swallows back guilt when he notices that Rasmus’ eyes are a little pink, like he’d been crying.

“Hey,” Casey murmurs, sitting down next to Rasmus. He leans into his friend, nabbing the spoon and taking a bite for himself.

Rasmus protests a bit, but wraps an arm around Casey anyway, giving him a little hug. “The lovebirds made you some dinner. It’s in the oven to stay warm.”

“Mmm,” Casey murmurs in acknowledgement, snuggling closer into Rasmus instead.

“Alright, we can cuddle for ten minutes, then you’re going to go eat,” Rasmus relents, smiling at the triumphant sound Casey lets out.

-

Before Casey realizes it, the semester is winding down and it’s just about time to head home for winter break. His habits are difficult to break, and he still finds himself losing hours in the gym or studio on occasion. He’s got people checking in him more, though, and they’re all trying.

His performances go well enough. He doesn’t stand out in a positive or negative way, and his end of the semester reviews are mediocre at best. But he’s made it through.

There’s a sense of relief and deep sadness as he packs the apartment up. A part of him knows that it’s likely that he won’t be coming back here in January, other than to fully move out when their lease is up at the end of the month.

-

When he gets back to Minnesota, Casey finds himself swept up into a full-fledged Midwestern Christmas. It makes it easier for him to pull away from Rasmus a bit. He’s still not really sure what Rasmus and Jeff talked about that day, because neither of them will tell him. So, of course, he convinced himself that Rasmus knows about Casey’s feelings and hates him now. Casey’s gone and fucked things up and ruined their friendship, and it’s just another thing to feel guilty about.

He freaks out to Jeff over it one evening when he manages to escape from his brothers. Thankfully, Jeff’s adamant that Rasmus has no idea that Casey’s in love with him; the topic never even came up in their conversation that day, apparently.

-

Needless to say, then, it’s a huge surprise to Casey when he comes back to Buffalo and he learns that Rasmus and Victor broke up over break.

“What?! Why didn’t you tell me earlier? What happened? Are you okay?”

“You were tough to get a hold of over break,” Rasmus replies, an eyebrow raised, nodding at the slightly sheepish look that crosses Casey’s face. “He met someone else.”

“WHAT?” Casey yells this time, an intense, murderous look on his face. He _liked_ Victor, how could he do this to Rasmus?

He’s surprised when Rasmus… laughs. That makes Casey pause in the way he was stalking over to grab a knife from the kitchen. “Okay, first of all, you’re ridiculous, what the hell are you going to even do with that.” He rolls his eyes when Casey mutters ‘cut a bitch’ under his breath. “He’s known Larry for a long time. Longer than he’s known me. Vic wants to woo him.”

Casey has to sit down at that, but the chair is too far away so he sits directly on the floor, trying to take it all in. There’s so many things he wants to ask. So many things he wants to say. Instead, what comes out of his mouth is, “Ollie left you for someone named _Larry_.”

Rasmus barks out a surprised laugh at that and goes to sit down on the floor across from Casey. “Yes. Yes he did.”

“You guys seemed so happy together,” Casey murmurs after a moment, once he’s mostly gathered his thoughts.

“We were,” Rasmus shrugs. “But it was never serious.”

Casey frowns, tilting his head a little bit. “It wasn’t? It seemed like it was.”

Rasmus shrugs again. “I mean, we care a lot about each other. I had a lot of fun on our dates. The sex was good.” He laughs when Casey wrinkles his nose at that, shaking his head. “But I never… loved him. I think we both knew it wouldn’t be forever, so we just had fun with it. I think Vic’s been in love with Lawrence for a long time and just kinda… figured it out when they met up for lunch one day.” Casey just nods, still a little shell-shocked at the news. “Gonna tell me why you avoided me all break?”

“I didn’t avoid you!” Casey protests, pouting a little bit. Rasmus nudges his foot, giving him an unimpressed look. “I was busy. You know how my family gets.”

Rasmus frowns, looking like he’s thinking about saying something, but they’re both interrupted by a knock on the door. “You are lucky,” Rasmus says, pointing at Casey, who gives him a big grin before jumping up to go get the door.

Jeff steps in to the apartment, takes one look at Rasmus still sitting on the floor, then shakes his head and walks back out. Casey grins, following him out and closing the door to the sounds of Rasmus’ laughter.

-

After that, it’s easier for Casey to talk to Rasmus again. They sit down and have a long conversation one night about the lease situation. Casey opens up about a lot of what he was going through during the last semester. It’s difficult for him to talk about, but Rasmus deserves to hear a full explanation, from him and not Jeff, of what was going on. Well, almost full explanation: he leaves any romantic feelings out of it. Still, Casey feels it’s important for Rasmus to know just how much he’s been hiding.

An apartment in the next building over has opened up, and they both begrudgingly admit that it’s probably for the best Casey moves out. There’s a guy on Jack’s team who just transferred in and needed a place to stay; Jack immediately suggested they move in together since they’re both Minnesota boys. It also works out that a dancer in some of Rasmus’ classes broke up with her girlfriend and needed a place to stay.

It’s one of the most difficult decisions that Casey has ever had to make, and he sheds a few tears later that night when he’s alone and dwelling on the choice. Just because it’s the right choice doesn’t make it hurt less.

-

Casey’s not quite sure how, or why, it’s the case, but he actually finds that he’s getting closer with Rasmus again now that they don’t live together. They’ve started doing Sunday brunches followed by romcom marathons again, even. He knows better than to ever admit it to them, because they’d be incredibly insufferable, but he’s thinking that maybe Jack, Jeff, and Sam were right. He has space to breathe, instead of a constant reminder of what he wants but can’t have.

The first night that he’s in the apartment with Will, he sits him down and admits to some of the things that he’s trying to work through. He doesn’t tell Will about the whole being in love with Rasmus thing, but he does admit to the habits he’d picked up. It’s a scary thing to admit to someone he’d only met a week before, but he knows that he needs to if he has any hope of breaking free of the cycle and trying to get healthy.

They agree to keep an eye out on each other, checking in but not being overbearing. With the help of Will, Rasmus, Tage, Jack, Jeff, and Sam, Casey thinks he just might be okay after all.

-

He’s not magically a superstar dancer overnight once he starts taking better care of himself, but things fall into place better. Where he used to think the extra practice was better for him, he’s now realizing how much it was affecting his sense of timing, attention, and all around energy, among other things. He’s still in love with tap, and his private lessons with Sam have morphed more into choreographing routines together than anything. It gives Casey a real sense of accomplishment, and a feeling of a purpose, even if no one else really ever sees the dances the two of them come up with. His ballet improves, too. He attacks ballet with the same ease and passion that he attacks tap, and it’s like things start to click back into place. He’s not trying too hard, he’s just dancing.

It’s an almost daily fight for him at first, to stay in control. He has days where he slips up, but he’s got his boys looking out for him when he can’t look out for himself. He’s even gone to a therapist a few times. They all keep him afloat, from spiraling too far again, until things start to become easier for him.

It works out better than he could have ever hoped by the time they’re starting the pieces for the end of season show. He’s in several group pieces as usual, across different styles of dance. His hard work, and the shift back on the right track with Rasmus, is rewarded when Jason gives them another duet together.

This piece is also romantic, but lighter and more joyous than the first. It’s flirty in a way that has Casey incredibly nervous. His heart is still healing from the last dance, but this one doesn’t carry the same emotional weight in the choreography, so he’s not sure how it will work out.

-

Casey’s not sure if it’s just the nature of the choreography or what, but he and Rasmus start to flirt a lot during rehearsal. It’s all playful, fun little things and nothing comes out of it, but it becomes a constant, and it’s what brings Casey’s love for Rasmus suddenly flooding back in full force.

-

It helps, he thinks, that people other than him know of his feelings for Rasmus. He can go over to have some of Jack’s famed salmon and pine over Rasmus while the three boyfriends tease him mercilessly. It also turns out that Will’s pining away for a teammate of his, so the two of them commiserate about how dumb boys named Rasmus are. He can go for runs with Tage and Buff, and not feel bad about making a comment about how pretty Rasmus looked that morning.

-

Casey’s delighted to discover that Rasmus has convinced their choreographer to put some lifts in the dance, including one in which Casey actually gets to be the one up in the air. He’s never loved Rasmus more.

-

This time, Casey doesn’t go into the performance already on the verge of tears. It hasn’t been easy, leading up to this moment, for a lot of reasons. He feels a sense of relief and pride for how far he’s come since practically hitting rock bottom. He definitely feels a longing; everything about this dance feels like it’s what he wants from Rasmus and can’t have. But he also feels a lightness and a joy for the dance existing, and for getting to share the moment with Rasmus.

All of this he channels as he leaps through the air. His heart feels like it’s soaring with each grand jeté, and he’s never felt more beautiful, as a dancer or a person, as he does when Rasmus easily catches him and lifts him above his head, before setting him down with a sweeping, graceful gesture.

The two of them float around the stage, flirting and teasing, light little pas de chats and quick chaîné spins.

Casey can’t help himself, he’s beaming throughout the entire routine, and there’s a spark in Rasmus’ eyes that show Casey he’s having just as much fun. He takes the offered daisy at the end of the dance, which is part of the routine; however, he can’t help himself and goes off-routine by leaning in to press a lingering kiss to Rasmus’ lips, both of them letting out soft giggles before pulling away to the sound of the audience cheering. Casey spins to face them, taking Rasmus’ hand and bowing before scurrying off the stage.

-

Casey feels more like himself this summer. He even takes time off from rehearsing and the gym, partially because he’s been ordered by every single one of his friends to do so. He really doesn’t want to deal with Jack’s _I’m disappointed in you_ glares or Jeff’s passive aggressive disappointment sighs. (And, okay, maybe he’s doing it a little bit for himself as well.)

The first month of summer is spent catching up with friends and family. By the end of June, though, Casey is nearly insufferable and his parents are forcing him to go back to the gym to get some of his pent up energy out. He can’t _help it, _okay. Rasmus is visiting. If that wasn’t cause enough for excitement, Casey is also a bit nervous.

Before the semester ended, Will and Casey made a pact to admit their feelings to their boys. Casey’s decided that it’s now or never. He’s still not sure how Rasmus will take it or feel, but Will’s hyped him up by having a list of all the times that Rasmus has flirted back with Casey (that he was there for).

He knows that he’s making the right choice on the day he picks up Rasmus from the airport. Casey’s compulsively checking the list of arrivals, bouncing on his feet in anticipation. Finally, Casey spots Rasmus among a crowd, and his eyes light up the second their eyes meet. Rasmus looks exhausted, sleepy-soft like he just woke up from a nap, but his whole face lights up when he sees Casey.

Casey can’t help it. He channels every romantic comedy they’ve ever watched together and runs to Rasmus, wrapping his arms in a tight hug around Rasmus. Rasmus laughs, letting the bag he was holding fall to the ground as he hugs Casey back, lifting him up and spinning them around in a slow circle.

“Hi,” Casey grins at Rasmus when he’s set back down on the ground, fighting back the urge to kiss Rasmus since he doesn’t yet know how his friend would feel about it.

“Hey,” Rasmus says back, and they just… stand there and stare at each other. It feels like time stops, even as people move around them.

Casey thinks, _fuck it_, and leans in to kiss Rasmus. He’s pleasantly surprised when Rasmus kisses him back immediately, and murmurs out a happy sound as the kiss lingers.

“Now that’s a welcome to Minnesota,” Rasmus murmurs when he pulls away, making Casey burst out into laughter. They share one more kiss, before Casey reaches down to pick up the bag that Rasmus dropped.

“Let’s get your stuff and head out of here. My parents are grilling tonight, so I promised them we’d come straight home with you. We can make out after dinner.” He wiggles his eyebrow, grinning when Rasmus laughs at him.

-

Dinner goes about the way that Casey expects it to. They keep some distance between them, the kisses between them too new and unexplored for Casey to want his parents to figure it out. Casey’s brothers torment him the whole time, telling Rasmus all kinds of embarrassing stories.

His mom doesn’t make it any better. “Boys, that’s enough,” she scolds, which initially makes Casey feel a little better, except then she points out, “Rasmus is here all week. Save some stories for other meals.”

Casey groans, letting his forehead fall forward and hit the table, only barely managing to miss his glass of water.

Rasmus is, of course, delighted at this turn of events. Casey hates them all.

-

They don’t wind up making out after dinner, at least not right away. They sit down on Casey’s bed, Casey decidedly _not_ thinking about sharing the bed for the next week. Instead of making out, they decide to be adults and talk about everything. Casey doesn’t exactly use the _love _word that’s on the tip of his tongue, but he admits he’s had some feelings for Rasmus for awhile.

Casey’s shocked to learn that Rasmus has felt a similar way for awhile, too; Rasmus admits that it was a part of the reason that he and Victor broke up. That’s kind of a lot for him to take in, so he surges forward and kisses Rasmus instead.

“Does this mean we’re boyfriends?” Rasmus grins into the kiss.

“Of course, dummy,” Casey murmurs, kissing him a couple times. “It also means we get to sneak around and make out in my bed behind my mom’s back.”

“Living the dream,” Rasmus beams, pulling Casey into his lap and kissing him lazily until Casey’s melted into a pile of mush.

Oh yeah, he can’t wait to tell all of the boys about this. Later. Right now, this moment is just for them.

-

“I think I love you,” Rasmus says, his voice barely audible from where his face is buried in Casey’s neck.

“Think?” Casey asks, his heart suddenly pounding, though he tries to remain calm while he strokes Rasmus’ hair. He has to convince himself this isn’t all a dream, because it certainly feels like it. They’re curled up naked together in Casey’s hotel in Sweden; it was an impromptu winter break trip, starting with a visit with Rasmus’ family and ending with a weekend to themselves in Stockholm.

“Never been in love before,” Rasmus shrugs, looking up to give Casey a small smile. “Don’t know what it feels like.”

Casey can’t help but roll his eyes at that, staring at Rasmus with such a fond expression that Rasmus blushes. It’s beautiful. He’s beautiful. Still, he can’t resist a little more teasing, “we’ve watched enough romantic comedies surely you can figure it out.”

“Brat,” Rasmus mutters, poking Casey in the side. “I take it back.”

“No take backs on love declarations,” Casey announces, wrapping his arm tighter around Rasmus.

“Not like you said it back anyway,” Rasmus pouts.

Casey just shrugs at that. “I figured you already knew my feelings and don’t want to… pressure you into loving me.”

Rasmus frowns, pulling back and resting on his elbow so he could look Casey in the eyes. “What do you mean?”

Casey’s expression softens, and he sighs a little, face turning red. “I’ve been in love with you for like… a year now, Ras.”

“But I was with Vic still a year ago,” Rasmus’ frown grows, and Casey watches him try to put all the pieces together. He stays quiet, watching Rasmus’ face. He sees the exact moment that it all clicks for Rasmus: a slight widening of his eyes, the little exhale of breath. “You started pulling away,” he says softly, like he’s thinking back on everything. “And everything that was happening. Was that… why?”

Casey sighs, unable to stand the earnest, concerned, hurt look on Rasmus’ face any longer. Instead, he looks down at their entwined hands. “I mean… yeah. Basically. It was about dance, too, don’t get me wrong. But… a lot of it was because of you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

At that question, Casey does look back up at Rasmus. “What good would it have done, Rasmus? You and Ollie were still good, still happy then. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, I wasn’t about to come in between that.”

“Look how that worked out,” Rasmus says, the words themselves sounding more bitter than the tone of his voice, which makes Casey roll his eyes.

“Ras,” he says, a monotone of incredulity to his voice, “you just spent two weeks visiting him before coming here. I’m pretty sure you’re ready to get ordained as a minister to officiate his and Larry’s inevitable wedding. You’re like, their number one biggest fan.”

To his surprise, Rasmus barks out a surprised laugh, his face reddening a little. “Might not have lasted as long as it had if I’d known.”

Casey shrugs. “Maybe, maybe not. Doesn’t change the past. I… was going through a time, and I barely even realized it myself. Maybe we both needed to experience different things first, before we could be together.”

Rasmus frowns. “I don’t like that you had to go through so much pain to get here, while I was in a happy relationship. It doesn’t seem fair.”

“Life’s not fair,” Casey shrugs. “But… I’m glad you were happy then, it would have killed me if you weren’t.”

“I didn’t even know how unhappy you were,” Rasmus says, a distant look on his face, his voice sad and full of regret.

“On purpose,” Casey reminds him. “I think part of you always knew that I was having a rough time, and you were always there for me. I pulled away from _you_, Ras, don’t forget that.” He holds his hand up when Rasmus goes to interrupt, continuing on. “It was completely unhealthy. I know that now. It still creeps up on me, sometimes, that impulse to overdo it, the invasive thinking that I’m not good enough. I think it will always be part of who I am, but now I know what to look for. Now all of you know how to see the signs, if I miss them and relapse. You won’t let me go back to that again.” He can’t help but smile at how forcefully Rasmus is shaking his head. “Sure, I wish I wasn’t like this. But I feel like the healing process has helped me to be a better dancer and a better person.”

“You really are amazing, Casey,” Rasmus murmurs before leaning in to press a gentle kiss to Casey’s lips.

Casey flushes as he kisses Rasmus back, letting out a content little sigh. It’s been a long road, and he knows it’s far from over, but he can let himself be happy now. He’s got the best boyfriend, he’s starting to feel confident in his dance again, and he’s got friends who have his back.

All in all, Casey’s pretty damn lucky.

**Author's Note:**

> the unhealthy coping mechanisms in the story are working out/rehearsing too much and casey forgetting to eat on occasion because he's too busy training.
> 
> thank you for reading! come chat with me @glazed-sun on tumblr if you'd like (especially if you want to encourage me to write more in this 'verse... because it's tempting)


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